xxxxxx: This coffee tastes like ass.
xxxxxxx: But I like ass.
(Overheard at a job I had some time ago.)
I'm currently working at a place where coffee is made once and only once a day. They brew it into one of those pumped containers you see at Coffee Bean which is constructed in a way that you can't put the travel mug you bought from Coffee Bean underneath it. So you get the paper cut and are faced with immediate shame from a sign glaring at you asking you to be "more green." By the time, I get to have a cup, there's three ounces left that I hold like a starving African child holding onto a cup of rice. The coffee I covet is moderate but compared to the cup of coffee I had at home this morning, it tastes like dirty bathwater with sugar and cream. Imagine brushing your teeth, then drinking orange juice. Yeah, that taste. Just makes your intestines feel like they survived being dragged across broken glass. The coffee I had tasted like wet cigarettes.
Well, at least the coffee was made by someone who actually drinks coffee. I have had to work with not one but three people under me that don't drink coffee. This comes into play when it comes to making coffee. Look, I'm not the best boss in the world. I'm all buddy buddy and let you walk all over me type, but I do stand on the doctrine that dictates that lowest man on the totem pole makes the coffee. Now, if they don't drink coffee, it's safe to say they don't know how to make coffee. In most cases, you will endure one of the following three experiences. (1) The coffee is so light you can see the girl's number on your hand from three nights ago through it. This is usually caused because that person equated one plastic sporkful equals one cup of coffee. One cup of coffee doesn't even equal one cup of coffee. (2) The coffee's so thick you can use it to tar the driveway. This happens after you bitch that the coffee was too light and then threw the scalding pot of coffee in his or her face. (D) The coffee is filled with coffee grounds from overfilling the filter. You spend the rest of the day picking out granules from your teeth.
At home, my wife and I have her French press to make coffee. The reason for this is that we couldn't fit it in with the gynormous convection/toaster over/broiler that's just shy of having trivection. (More on that another day.) They're not that expensive and just require you to boil your water separately and then pour it in, wait for seven minutes and pour. It does taste pretty damn fine which of course sets me up for failure later on in the day. You can say "why don't you just not drink coffee." Sir, I say, I can barely stay awake as it is. Speaking of which, time for my mid-afternoon nap.
xxxxxxx: But I like ass.
(Overheard at a job I had some time ago.)
I'm currently working at a place where coffee is made once and only once a day. They brew it into one of those pumped containers you see at Coffee Bean which is constructed in a way that you can't put the travel mug you bought from Coffee Bean underneath it. So you get the paper cut and are faced with immediate shame from a sign glaring at you asking you to be "more green." By the time, I get to have a cup, there's three ounces left that I hold like a starving African child holding onto a cup of rice. The coffee I covet is moderate but compared to the cup of coffee I had at home this morning, it tastes like dirty bathwater with sugar and cream. Imagine brushing your teeth, then drinking orange juice. Yeah, that taste. Just makes your intestines feel like they survived being dragged across broken glass. The coffee I had tasted like wet cigarettes.
Well, at least the coffee was made by someone who actually drinks coffee. I have had to work with not one but three people under me that don't drink coffee. This comes into play when it comes to making coffee. Look, I'm not the best boss in the world. I'm all buddy buddy and let you walk all over me type, but I do stand on the doctrine that dictates that lowest man on the totem pole makes the coffee. Now, if they don't drink coffee, it's safe to say they don't know how to make coffee. In most cases, you will endure one of the following three experiences. (1) The coffee is so light you can see the girl's number on your hand from three nights ago through it. This is usually caused because that person equated one plastic sporkful equals one cup of coffee. One cup of coffee doesn't even equal one cup of coffee. (2) The coffee's so thick you can use it to tar the driveway. This happens after you bitch that the coffee was too light and then threw the scalding pot of coffee in his or her face. (D) The coffee is filled with coffee grounds from overfilling the filter. You spend the rest of the day picking out granules from your teeth.
At home, my wife and I have her French press to make coffee. The reason for this is that we couldn't fit it in with the gynormous convection/toaster over/broiler that's just shy of having trivection. (More on that another day.) They're not that expensive and just require you to boil your water separately and then pour it in, wait for seven minutes and pour. It does taste pretty damn fine which of course sets me up for failure later on in the day. You can say "why don't you just not drink coffee." Sir, I say, I can barely stay awake as it is. Speaking of which, time for my mid-afternoon nap.
posted by Orly De Gaulle at
2:13 PM
